Lexapro, day 120 something
It’s now been four months since my last update. I meant for these to be written regularly to record my progress. I don’t know why though, but every time I tried to I would end up getting really anxious. I felt like I had to write these moving literary masterpieces about courage and survival for some reason. I have no idea why these make me so nervous. They’re supposed to be honest, they’re supposed to be for me. I struggle a lot with the idea of failing and making mistakes and having to be perfect to avoid them at all costs. These fears are now poisoning every part of my life, no matter how hard I try to fight. But today I had to face them. I had to write because I felt like getting something out of my chest.
During these past four months a lot has changed. The drugs I was taking were ridiculously expensive, so I had to change to generics. I’m now taking half a Escitalopram Teva 20mg (the generic version of Lexapro) everyday and Lorazepam Generis 1mg for emergencies and anxiety attacks. Luckly, I didn’t experience any side effects from Lexapro at all - no headaches, no nausea, no alucinations. I did experience the worst headache of my life when I accidentaly forgot to take it one day though. From Lorazepam however, the first few times I took it I would have these weird alucinations. Everything would start to move! Sadly the furniture didn’t sang ‘Be our guest’ and serve me dinner, which just made it creepy. Thankfuly everything would be back to normal once I got some sleep.
The pills did save me though. They really did. While I was having doubts on whether I should give them a try ir not I spent a few weeks going through the antidepressants tag here on tumblr. I ran across so many beautiful, encouraging stories about people whose lives were changed for the better. About how they found hope. About how they found strangth when they thought there was none left. And that’s what the pills did for me. I found hope, I found strength. It took a while to come to terms with feeling like I was weak because I needed them so desperatly not to kill myself. I felt like I had no control over myself. And while I still struggle with understanding why I need them, why I can’t just hang on without them, I’m just glad I’ve got something to keep me going. So this is me, reaching out to whoever might come across this text post and feels worn out and defeated. If you can, schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. I can’t promise you it will work right away or on your first try. But please do try. You’re not weak. You can’t control your life circumstances and the pressure you’re under. And while I know I will depend on drugs to survive for more years than I would like untill I finally move out and start being financially independent, I’m okay with that. There will come a time when I will be free. There will be a time where I won’t need to take them anymore. There will be a time when I won’t think about killing myself at all. It will come. And I plan on being there to seize it. Please reach out.
The biggest change for me was how the urges to kill myself stopped. I still think about it a lot, but somehow I can’t imagine actually bringing myself to do it. There have been a few rough times though, when I held my dad’s gun in my hands. But whenever I took the emergency pill, I got better and the urges disappeared. My lip’s skin condition has been really stable too, I’m really happy the doctor was able to identify it as being an anxiety related condition. It was a type of hyperkeratosis. Had to deal with it for a year. It still isn’t back to normal, but at least it doesn’t shed as much skin as it did.
I still feel really lost. I don’t know how to get myself back, I don’t know who I used to be and that makes me so scarred. Whenever I’m with my friends I feel like I’m not me. I feel like I’m dormant and annoying. I’m happy I have great friends who don’t let me feel that way. I don’t remember who I am anymore and I’m scarred I won’t ever be the same. I appologise for being so different now and for being away from some of you. I’ve been trying to find who I was but I’m failing.
The future still isn’t a promise. It’s still a threat. I’m still afraid I won’t have a job, I’m still afraid I won’t have grades good enough to apply for a masters or for an internship so I can get out of here. It still scarres me I can’t do things at my own pace otherwise I’ll be left behind. I’m exausted and that slows me down. But at least now I’ve got a safety net and I know I’ll do whatever it takes to make it.
Trying to pull off a pompadour and rocking it! Too bad wax pomades take so much effort to come out, it took me like three days, half a bottle of dish soap and a gallon of olive oil. Don’t know if I’ll keep it untill I find some kind of product to wash it off though. But it made me feel really confident :)
"Attention, citizens of Ba Sing Se. I have an important announcement to make. Moments ago, the Earth Queen was brought down at the hands of revolutionaries, including myself. I’m not going to tell you my name, ‘cause my identity is not important. I’m not here to take over the Earth Kingdom. I think you’ve had enough of leaders telling you what to do. It’s time for you to find your own path. No longer will you be oppressed by tirance. From now on, you are free. I deliver Ba Sing Se back into the hands of the people."
"what are your plans for the future" *shrugs so hard that my arms detach at the shoulders and i am no longer asked any questions that arent about my missing limbs*
listen to the whole thing with headphones on and you’ll be 200% more relaxed than you were before